It’s really scary when severe depression prevents a person from wanting to eat; right before your eyes you see your loved-one wasting away from malnourishment.

Clinical depression can destroy appetite and cause a life-threatening issue of malnourishment, especially if the clinically depressed individual is elderly.

Not too long ago my mother developed a bout of clinical depression that is now under control with Cymbalta.

When my mother’s depression first began developing (it was a gradual process, not an overnight event), she commented that she “had no appetite.”

I didn’t take this seriously until I began noticing about two weeks later a visible loss of muscle.

My mother is of senior age, and it is dangerous for seniors, especially women, to lose muscle tissue.

It reached a point where I, and my father, had to prompt her to eat nearly every bite of food, and most of these prompts netted a refusal.

So how did I get my depressed mother to eat?

#1: Buy Walgreen’s “Balanced Nutritional Drink Plus.” Amazingly, I managed to get my mother to drink 1-2 cans a day. One can is 350 calories. Substitutes would be Ensure Plus or Boost Plus.

If you can get your depressed family member to consume two of these 8 ounce cans, that’s a good foundation of 700 calories for the day.

#2: When giving your depressed family member a beverage, include a straw. A straw guarantees more of the liquid will get consumed.

#3: Do not ask your depressed family member if they want something to eat or drink.

My father would ask this to my mother, and every single time, she’d say “No.” He’d then give up. BIG MISTAKE.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and instead of asking if my mother wanted to eat, I’d just bring the food to her mouth.

I strongly suggest that you don’t even TELL your depressed family member you’re going to give him or her some food or drink, because this will give them an opportunity to refuse.

Don’t inform them at all of your plan. JUST DO IT: Bring them the food.

When the food is in front of them, they are likely to take a bite or sip.

My mother has always enjoyed eggs. My father would ask her if she wanted eggs. She’d say no. He’d give up.

I insisted, “Don’t ask. Just make her the eggs. She’ll eat some once they’re cooked and in front of her.”

My father at first didn’t go along with this, but he eventually learned that it was true:

Once the eggs were actually prepared and placed before my mother, she’d eat some.

#4: Don’t be passive. Be kindly aggressive. Again, my father (along with my brother) one evening were enjoying salmon while my mother refused any food at all and sat withered in another room.

I gathered some salmon scraps and not only took a plate to her, but literally fork-fed her.

She consumed six forkfuls (about 15 grams of protein) that she would have never eaten had I not taken an assertive stand.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET ASSERTIVE with your depressed family member who refuses to eat. It really works.

There were many instances in which I just verbally nagged my mother until she agreed to eat something, if for no other reason to get me off her back. Every bite counts. Every sip counts.

#5: When presenting your depressed family member with unexpected food (review #3), don’t just set it before them and walk away. Spoon feed them if that’s what it takes.

I spoon fed my mother pudding, chicken, and placed pretzels between her lips. I also placed cups to her mouth.

• Do not hesitate to make statements like, “If you don’t eat this, you may have to be tube-fed at a hospital.”
• I also told my mother, “I’m going to hover right over you until you drink this juice.”

These tactics worked, though often, my mother refused to finish the item. But hey, half a cup of juice is better than nothing.

Don’t assume that a depressed person who refuses to eat, absolutely will never eat while in bed.

I’d bring my mother quite a few nutrition cans with a bent straw, and while propped up, she drank the beverage.

She also ate eggs in bed while propped up; she didn’t ask for the eggs; I brought them to her and told her she was going to eat them.

#6: Don’t get concerned about nutrition; the issue is to just get calories into the depressed family member’s mouth, even if it’s junk food.

I was actually encouraging my mother to eat bacon and sausage  —  these have calories and protein.

BIG MISTAKE: Pointing out to a depressed family member who’s lost their appetite that something they’re suddenly interested in eating is not healthy.

#7: Do not make any comments within earshot of the depressed family member that might discourage eating.

Example: My father poured a can of soup into a pot. I removed another can from the cupboard: one for my mother, one for him.

He told me no, he was going to eat half the soup in the pot, while my mother would get the other half.

He said, “There is too much soup here for your mother to eat; I have to take half of it.”

This possibly gave my mother, in her depressed, vulnerable state of mind, the idea that she could eat only half the can.

She ended up eating half of what was in the pot because my father divided it into two bowls.

Had my father poured two cans in the pot, and then divided THAT into two bowls, my mother would have ultimately eaten more, even if she didn’t finish the bowl: 100 percent of half a can is LESS than 75 percent of one whole can.

#8: Sneak calories into the food. If I poured half a can of the Walgreens product into a paper cup, I’d then give her the remaining portion straight from the can and tell her it was “half full,” when in actuality, I had added a little milk to it.

#9: When your depressed family member, after eating at your insistence, says for the first time, “I’ve had enough,” or, “No more,” etc., this means they can actually take two or three more bites.

This was very predictable — but you’re the only one who has to know. Spoon/fork-feed those two or three more bites.

Thus, do not stop feeding your depressed family member after their first “Enough.”

The above tactics enabled me to get my mother to consume about 1,300 calories a day.

In order to get a depressed person, who refuses to eat, to consume this many calories, it’s essential to include, daily, two cans of the “Plus” Walgreens, Ensure or Boost products.

Secretly add a tablespoon of olive oil or chocolate syrup for even more calories.

Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.  

How I convinced my father that my mother’s depression would not go away on its own.

Is one of your parents depressed, and the other parent in denial, and thus, a hindrance to treatment?

My mother was vehemently against taking an antidepressant, and wouldn’t state why, even though she was very amenable to taking prescription-strength narcotic painkillers, as well as Valium.

But for some mysterious reason, she refused to listen to why she should take an antidepressant.

Even though her clinical depression was draining my father, he, too, was very opposed to having his wife on an antidepressant.

I planned on staying with my parents for about three days, following my mother’s minor knee surgery, to help her recover. This was when I realized that she had developed clinical depression.

After six weeks of living with my parents to care for my mother who was crippled by depression, I convinced my father to speak to my mother’s doctor about prescribing an antidepressant.

The day I convinced him that an antidepressant was the only option left, was the culmination of six weeks of intense perseverance on my part.

Here are some objections (in bold) that the spouse, who’s in denial of a partner’s depression, might cook up, and after each objection, is what you, the daughter, son or other family member, can counter with.

I heard that antidepressants take two weeks to start kicking in.

“This depression will last a lot longer than two weeks without antidepressants.

“Before you know it, two weeks will have gone by, and she’ll still be disabled by depression, and then you’ll wish you had started her on an antidepressant two weeks ago.

“You don’t want to be kicking yourself for letting two weeks go by and she’s still suffering with depression.

“You don’t want to be thinking, ‘If she began antidepressants two weeks ago, where would we be now? Dang, I wish I got her on antidepressants two weeks ago.’

“There is no golden rule that it takes two weeks or four weeks for antidepressants to start working. That’s just a bell curve. For some people, the effect can be immediate, especially in severe depression.”

(In my mother’s case, the Cymbalta produced dramatic results the NEXT DAY).

She (or he) will never agree to see a psychiatrist.

“You don’t need to see a psychiatrist to get a prescription to an antidepressant. Any medical doctor can prescribe any drug. Her general physician can prescribe an antidepressant.”

She’ll never agree to go see even her general doctor for an antidepressant.

“Call the doctor’s office up, identify yourself, and ask if he could prescribe an antidepressant. He might do it over the phone without requiring a visit.”

(The phone call worked for my father, but this is no guarantee it will work for most people; we may have lucked out, because prior to this, my parents had been in his office and my father had inquired about an antidepressant, to which the doctor disagreed  —  details following).

Her doctor said she doesn’t need an antidepressant.

“Does her doctor LIVE with us to see what’s going on?”

My father accompanied my mother on a visit to her general physician for carpal tunnel syndrome, and at one point he asked about an antidepressant. The doctor said an antidepressant wasn’t necessary.

Ironically, my mother became hysterical after the doctor told her that he couldn’t line up an appointment with a hand surgeon sooner than one week away, and she cried her way out of his office.

After arriving home, my father told me that the doctor didn’t think she needed an antidepressant. When I objected, my father got angry. So repeat: “Does the doctor live here to see what’s going on?!”

Even if I get the antidepressants, she’ll refuse to take them.

“Not necessarily. Take things one step at a time. Cross that bridge when you get to it.”

Examine your unique circumstances. In my mother’s case, we could have easily given her Cymbalta without her knowing it was an antidepressant, calling it an “anxiety pill” instead (which Cymbalta is also prescribed for anyways), because my mother never goes online and thus would never Google Cymbalta.

If I tell her it’s an antidepressant, she’ll refuse to take it, and if I lie, she’ll look it up on the Internet anyways and find out.

 “Tell her it’s an antidepressant and tell her you think it’s the right thing to do; when she sees you support antidepressant treatment, she’ll likely follow suit.”

This is exactly what happened with my mother; the moment my father relaxed his opposition to antidepressants, my mother instantly deferred to his judgment.

Crying spells are a symptom of depression, and my mother had plenty, but my father insisted: She keeps crying because of all the pain she’s in (carpal tunnel syndrome).

She must REALLY be feeling excruciating pain to be crying like that. The pain is what’s depressing her.

“Have you noticed that most of the time when she cries, she’s NOT reporting any physical pain?”

(My mother’s carpal tunnel syndrome pain triggered multitudes of sobbing episodes, but more sobbing episodes were during pain-free periods).

Point out to the spouse all the non-pain-related reasons that the depressed person has been weeping; reasons that should not make an emotionally well person break down.

Point out that when pain is severe enough, it’s impossible to cry: “A person will groan, moan, curse or holler, or even pass out, from truly excruciating pain. Who weeps upon stubbing a toe?”

“Think of the worst pain you’ve ever had; did you weep and weep? Maybe you screamed, but you didn’t sob.

Weeping is not a normal response to physical pain; it’s a response to EMOTIONAL pain, which can be brought on by moderate or even mild pain in a severely depressed individual.”

Point out that the crying sounds like she just learned her best friend died in a fire (which was exactly how my mother’s crying sounded).

She’s always been this way with pain. Point out how untrue this statement is, by citing examples. I cited examples of how my mother had responded in the past to physical pain (absolutely no crying or even teary eyes).

Never be afraid to use the word “depressed” repeatedly when referring to the patient.

Don’t give up. Keep harping on the fact that clinical depression will not disappear on its own; that nobody snaps out of this kind of depression; that you cannot talk a person out of FEELING the despair and darkness of major depression; and that,  for Pete’s sake, since when is it normal to completely shut down, entire body and appetite and social connections and all, over carpal tunnel syndrome (or whatever relatively minor circumstance applies to your loved-one)?

Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.