Can You Be Immune to Stockholm Syndrome?
Find out from an expert just what kind of person will never get Stockholm syndrome…
“Some people will argue that everyone, no matter how strong, has their breaking point, including the so-called psychopaths who commit the heinous crimes of abduction, imprisonment and torture.
“Since every human being has developmentally passed through earlier stages of immaturity, perhaps at some point, under sufficient stress, almost anyone might break.”
But how much worse or stressful can a situation be when we’re talking about real-life men and women who escaped (or summoned for help first chance they got) their torturous captivity?
Dr. Reiss explains that “there are certainly real stories of persons who have so much control of their emotions and behaviors that they remain ‘in control’ even in what seems to be the most extreme and horrifying situations.”
Staying in control, yet acknowledging feelings of fear and rage towards the captor, is a protective mechanism against Stockholm syndrome.
It boils down to the solidity of an individual’s personality structure, says Dr. Reiss.
He explains that “for all practical purposes, they can be considered ‘immune’ from Stockholm syndrome-type reactions.
Perhaps you know men or women, or even teenagers, who fit this bill. If you’re an adult, think back to when you were in high school.
Did you know any classmates who seemed like they’d be immune to Stockholm syndrome if they were ever abducted and locked in the captor’s cellar, beaten and sexually assaulted?
Did your school have a few bullies who seemed to be fearless of everybody? Suppose one of those bullies had been kidnapped.
If it’s easy to imagine that bully making an escape first chance that came his or her way, that’s because perhaps that individual’s personality structure was quite solidified.
However, the bully who is “all bluster and bluff” could actually have a weak character and react in the opposite direction if the tables are turned.
Or what about teens or young adults who are very rebellious and defiant? Perhaps they’d be immune to Stockholm syndrome, too. Any strong leaders at your school or on the job? Anyone who’s quick to voice a strong opinion any chance they get?
Yes, it’s very possible for someone to be immune to Stockholm syndrome, and this doesn’t just happen by chance.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: Shutterstock/Maria Sbytova
Do People Who Don’t Make Friends Easily Get Stockholm Syndrome?
Is it really impossible for an antisocial-type person to bond with someone who abducts and abuses them: the Stockholm syndrome?
Seems that if a person is capable of bonding with their abductor, especially a cruel abductor (the Stockholm syndrome), then this individual in general makes friends extremely easy.
Or, to put this another way, isn’t it logical to conclude that “antisocial” people who don’t have any friends (who even hate shaking hands with people) would be immune to Stockholm syndrome?
The issue isn’t whether or not one easily makes friends, but why a person doesn’t make friends easily, says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
There are those who are reserved and cautious with making friendships, but are still capable of normal and healthy emotional relationships, says Dr. Reiss.
These individuals “may be more resilient in being able to maintain objectivity and may not be as vulnerable to their own emotional reactions, which could lead to embracing a dysfunctional relationship,” he explains.
In short, they aren’t at risk for embracing a bond with a kidnapper: Stockholm syndrome.
But then there’s another type of individual, continues Dr. Reiss.
We’ve all known men and women who tend to avoid friendships “out of fear of relationships, repressed dependency, paranoid tendencies or antisocial tendencies.”
Dr. Reiss says that these individuals “may be more vulnerable to developing an ‘alliance’ with a controlling malevolent power, albeit probably a rather unemotional relationship – but perhaps involving a lack of emotional maturity and/or a lack of ethics.”
Stockholm syndrome is not to be confused with the phenomenon of remaining with one’s captor out of fear of the consequences.
Though the fear may seem insanely illogical to those on the outside, this does not mean that the victim has experienced Stockholm syndrome.
If you do not make friends easily and are even “paranoid” or in some way apprehensive about cultivating relationships or friendships on any level, this does not mean you’re necessarily at high risk for developing Stockholm syndrome.
For obvious reasons, there have been no controlled experiments on who’s truly at highest risk for Stockholm syndrome.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: ©Lorra Garrick
Why Stockholm Syndrome Can’t Happen to Anyone
Stockholm syndrome cannot happen to anyone. There is a reason for this, which is why most hostage victims actually do not develop this condition.
Though cases exist in which the victim of a kidnapping develops an emotional alliance or bond (or kinship, whatever you wish to call it) with their captor, even when the captor is brutal, this Stockholm syndrome reaction doesn’t necessarily occur with every hostage.
It’s not fair to say, “Anyone can develop Stockholm syndrome,” especially when considering that a captor can impose torture on the victims.
Just like it’s false that “anybody can be capable of kidnapping a teenager and brutalizing that individual in a basement for months,” it’s equally illogical to believe that anybody could fall prey to Stockholm syndrome as a coping mechanism or as a natural fallout of being held prisoner.
“Stockholm syndrome is just one type of reaction to traumatic/frightening situations,” says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
“Even if one accepts that ‘everyone has their breaking point,’ that does not mean that everyone is vulnerable to this particular type of regression.”
Two Famous Victims of Stockholm Syndrome
Jaycee Lee Dugard. Kidnapped at age 11, she had plenty of opportunities to escape her brutal captor (Phillip Garrido) and countless chances to alert authorities via the Internet as well as when dealing with visitors to the house of her captor.
She willingly stayed with him for 18 years before the police intervened.
Dugard’s parents had described her, as a child, as being very easy to get along with, very accommodating and mellow.
From a layman’s standpoint, I can clearly see how a youth who’s more rebellious, challenges authority, is outspoken and daring, would jump at the first opportunity to escape from Phillip Garrido’s loosely barricaded yard.
Shawn Hornbeck. Being female is not a risk factor for Stockholm syndrome. Hornbeck was kidnapped at age 11 and for about five years lived with his abductor who raped him, Michael Devlin.
However, on many occasions, Hornbeck was allowed to leave Devlin’s house to ride his bike, go to movies and visit friends. Of course, he always returned to his “captor.”
Were the following kidnap victims immune to Stockholm syndrome?
19-year-old woman, East St. Louis, Illinois. The victim reported being raped and beaten daily and had made numerous escape attempts, but each time her captor chased her down and forced her back to his house at gunpoint.
His mother also lived there and took part in the captivity. Finally, after two years, the woman, who had given birth to the captor’s baby during the first year of captivity, bolted successfully.
Kevin Lunsmann, 14, Manila, Philippines. After five months of captivity by armed captors, Lunsmann tricked them into thinking he was going to a stream to bathe. Instead he fled, barefoot, into the jungle and was eventually rescued.
11-year-old girl, Whittier, California, March, 2013. She was forced into a car in which a crying 7-year-old girl was in.
At some point the older girl saw an opportunity to escape and, along with the younger girl, both bolted from the car.
28-year-old woman, East Moline, Illinois. She was held captive by a former boyfriend who’d beat her if she tried to escape. After two weeks of this, she finally escaped.
Stockholm syndrome is over-emphasized by the media, and the vast majority of abduction victims do not develop it.
“There are other regressive behaviors that are even more dangerous – but with sufficient underlying emotional strength and ongoing conviction, most people can avoid becoming pathologically co-dependent in personal relationships and in traumatic situations,” says Dr. Reiss.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: Shutterstock/Sjstudio6
Sources: livescience.com/7862-bonding-captor-jaycee-dugard-flee.html; dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-429052/A-bond-reason.html; nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Whittier-Police-Kidnapper-Sought-192421751.html; huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/24/teenager-held-hostage-for-2-years-escapes_n_1826878.html; newsmax.com/Newsfront/AS-Philippines-US-Hostage/2011/12/11/id/420555
How to Parent Your Child for Stockholm Syndrome Immunity
Find out the best way to raise your child to be Stockholm syndrome-proof…
Is it possible to “Stockholm syndrome-proof” your child? With more and more parents becoming alarmed at the idea of their children (including teens) being abducted, this is a fair question.
Should parents even discuss Stockholm syndrome with young children?
“Since involuntary captivity occurs so infrequently, in my opinion, it does not make sense to specifically ‘prepare’ your child by discussing the possibility – that is more likely to instill a disruptive fear than to be protective,” says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
This doesn’t mean shut the door if your savvy child comes to you to discuss a nationally publicized case of abduction such as the Elizabeth Smart case.
That aside, Dr. Reiss does encourage parents to be the best they can be at promoting normal development in their kids, to “encourage a solid and realistic self-esteem, and encourage appropriate experience and appropriate expression of disappointment and anger – with provision of aid in distinguishing between disappointment and abuse/danger.”
Parents must be acutely aware of the relationships their kids have with peers.
Parents should encourage their kids to tolerate normal, non-hostile, non-sadistic disagreements and disappointments that occur through life, says Dr. Reiss, yet at the same time, not to repress feelings of anger in social situations that are dangerous.
Children should be taught to recognize abusive behavior and to distance themselves from it first chance they get, rather than stay silent and accept it.
Accepting a dangerous situation is how a Stockholm syndrome first develops. In fact, kids who accept being bullied at school are more likely to develop Stockholm syndrome as an adult hostage, than are kids who simply will not tolerate being bullied.
“If a pattern of bullying or being bullied is observed, provide intervention or seek professional intervention,” says Dr. Reiss.
He adds that parents should be on the lookout for significant signs of anxiety or depression, which can signal difficulty in resolving underlyng conflicts.
Parents are often afraid that they’ll instill fear or paranoia if they broach the topic of stranger danger or bad people with their young kids.
However, this should still be done, says Dr. Reiss, but on an age appropriate level.
Though it’s rare for kids/teens to ever end up abducted and imprisoned by a stranger or someone they know, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to help them develop insight into the fact that some people are just plain bad, and that whenever a child feels uncomfortable around someone, that they should trust their gut.
You may have prevention of Stockholm syndrome in mind when raising your children, but raising them to help prevent Stockholm syndrome will generate many benefits such as insightful kids who will not tolerate abusive relationships when they’re older.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: ©Lorra Garrick
Can Introverts Get Stockholm Syndrome?
An expert weighs in on whether or not introversion protects against Stockholm syndrome.
It’s fair to assume that introverts have a built-in protection against Stockholm syndrome, while extroverts are more vulnerable to forming an emotional alliance with the very person who has abducted them.
“Some people are just naturally more introverted, which may not be a reflection upon their level of self-esteem or interpersonal maturity,” says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
“However, if introversion is a reaction to fear of dependency, fear of interaction with others, or even a fear of the experience of fear this may be a risk factor for reacting dysfunctionally to an abusive situation and perhaps development of Stockholm syndrome.”
Suppose a person, who’s introverted as a result of fearing relationships, is kidnapped and held hostage in a dungeon by their abductor.
That person is now in a situation they can’t escape from, at least initially (bound up).
Their captor is frightening and seems powerful.
The victim then retreats to a very dependant, almost infantile state as a defense or coping mechanism; they were never well-equipped to cope effectively with the normal experience of fear throughout their life.
Thus, to avoid the overwhelming waves of fear while in that dungeon, they take on a dysfunctional and self-defeating approach.
This may be premeditated or developed unconsciously, but this dysfunctional approach and its correlating behaviors are designed to justify their involuntary captivity and torture.
They now, in this state of mind, have reduced their ability to feel fearful, despite being in a dangerous situation.
And by the way, this is NOT the same as staying in the dungeon because you’re convinced that if you attempt an escape, your captor will nab you along the way and kill you.
Stockholm syndrome and Introversion
Dr. Reiss says that with involuntary captivity, “introversion leading to a healthy sense of disengagement from the perpetrator may be protective [against Stockholm syndrome]; but introversion that is actually present in the service of defending against unresolved dependency issues can increase vulnerability” to Stockholm syndrome.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: ©Lorra Garrick
How Kidnap Victims Can Prevent Stockholm Syndrome
Find out what you can do to prevent Stockholm syndrome if you’re ever abducted.
“Unfortunately, one cannot change their underlying psychological makeup, and I don’t know of any actions that can be completely protective in particularly vulnerable individuals,” says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t some guidelines to take note of for increasing the odds of preventing Stockholm syndrome in a hostage scenario.
Dr. Reiss presents the following tips for assisting in the prevention of developing Stockholm syndrome.
Remind Yourself of the Reality. No matter how “well” your captor seems to be treating you (good food, bathroom breaks), continuously remind yourself you’re a hostage; you’ve been abducted; your freedom has been robbed.
Yes, stay cool to avoid enraging the captor, but “Be a good actor/actress, but never forget that any ‘thankfulness’ shown to the perpetrator is a manipulation, a ploy, and is NOT actually merited,” says Dr. Reiss.
Tolerate Fear. The situation should be frightening, says Dr. Reiss. Do not allow your level of fear to dwindle. Remind yourself you’re in a horrible situation.
Maintain Emotional Distance. Keep detached from the captor, even if he tells you a sob story of his abusive childhood.
“Keep in mind the primary fact that what they are doing is dastardly – regardless of the excuses or rationales they may suggest,” says Dr. Reiss.
It is not YOUR responsibility to let the captor off the hook because he’s disturbed and was locked in dark closets without food by his parents for days on end. That’s the justice system’s job once he is put on trial.
Maintain Distrust. Assume that a person who kidnaps is a person who lies and manipulates, and may be skilled at this.
“No matter how seemingly sincere the perpetrator may be, manage your behavior as befits safety, but keep reminding yourself that they are not to be trusted – at all, regarding anything,” says Dr. Reiss.
Relate to other Victims. If it’s a group hostage situation, maintain as much safe and appropriate contact as possible with other victims. Avoid discussing the morality of the captor’s behavior.
Keep your relationship distant from any victims showing signs of Stockholm syndrome.
One way to help prevent Stockholm syndrome is to refrain from trying to save a fellow hostage from it.
Depositphotos.com
Fantasize Your Escape. No matter how remote an actual escape may be, keep envisioning it. Keep imagining you ARE scaling that fence outside or climbing down the wall to ground level.
To achieve you must first conceive and believe. To help prevent Stockholm syndrome, never believe that your imprisonment is your “new normal.”
Manage Feelings of Depression and Hopelessness
They’re normal for a hostage victim, but don’t let them dictate your frame of mind or behavior.
Tolerating these feelings rather than “trying to escape” them will help protect against Stockholm syndrome.
Following the above guidelines will go a long way in increasing the chances of preventing Stockholm syndrome.
Though these tips may seem like no-brainers, many people would have difficulty practicing them in a hostage situation.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: Shutterstock/Artem Furman
Can Easily Angered People Get Stockholm Syndrome?
Are people who get mad easily immune to developing Stockholm syndrome should they ever be held hostage?
Does it stand to reason that if it’s easy for people to anger you, that you would be incapable of getting Stockholm syndrome if abducted by one or more people?
Becoming easily angered can result from an inborn temperament type or to unresolved issues of abuse, fear or trauma, says David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist from San Diego with extensive experience in PTSD.
In the case of the latter, the individual can end up with “interpersonal distrust and a tendency to be very easily disappointed, or even enraged – at times in response to minor ‘insults,’” says Dr. Reiss.
“IC” stands for involuntary captivity. When it comes to tolerating IC (a forerunner of Stockholm syndrome), anger can work two ways: 1) one easily expresses anger, and 2) one has trouble acknowledging anger.
In the case of #2, in which one denies and represses anger, “They are more likely to tolerate or excuse abuse, which likely would make them more vulnerable to Stockholm syndrome,” says Dr. Reiss.
Of course, people held hostage must learn to control expression of anger to avoid beatings by their captor. Suppressing anger is not the same as repressing it.
A hostage can feel the raging beast inside and imagine ripping the head off their captor first chance they get, yet from the captor’s point of view, this tied-up victim is as calm as a clam.
On the other hand, if the victim loses “their ability to acknowledge and experience that they are angry, they may be prone to perceive the perpetrator in unreasonably positive terms, minimizing the abuse and evil nature of the disease and instead being ‘thankful’ that ‘things aren’t worse,’” says Dr. Reiss.
Not that the victim shouldn’t be thankful they are not dead, but at the same time, says Dr. Reiss, they need to be aware of the reality, that being held hostage is nothing to be grateful for, and that feeling anger, fury, rage, the whole nine yards, is perfectly appropriate, and necessary to maintain objectivity…thus warding off Stockholm syndrome.
Summary
Dr. Reiss says that in abusive situations, “It is important to be able to experience anger without an over-reaction or unreasonable denial.
“Of course expressions of anger must be controlled in the name of safety, but a healthy ability to tolerate and control the experience of anger is probably protective, while tendencies to overly repress anger or to have difficulties coping with anger may be significant risk factors” for Stockholm syndrome.
Dr. Reiss has been in private practice 25+ years, specializing in adult and adolescent psychiatry, having evaluated and treated over 10,000 patients.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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Top image: Freepik.com/ pch.vector
Weightlifting Shoes vs. Plates to Elevate Heels for the Squat
Find out how weight plates compare to weightlifting shoes when you want to elevate your heels to do squats.
Which is better for the back squat: weightlifting shoes or plates? Or, to put it another way, what’s the difference between using plates and wearing weightlifting shoes when it comes to performing a good back squat?
People in muscle building forums have actually asked if there’s any difference between the elevation from placing one’s heels on plates and the elevation produced by a weightlifting shoe.
If you must choose between plates and weightlifting shoes, choose the shoes. The shoes are on your person and thus eliminate the problem of instability.
They eliminate the hassle of looking at your feet to make sure they’re positioned just right on the plates.
They eliminate the hassle of aligning the plates up just perfectly so that your feet are flush.
Finally, weightlifting shoes eliminate the precariousness of stepping backwards and onto a platform while 225 pounds are across your back.
Many different styles and makes of weightlifting or powerlifting shoes are on the market.
The difference between plates and weightlifting shoes for the squat, then, is obvious: a built-in stability with the footwear.
Another difference between plates and weightlifting shoes is that when you use plates, the middle of the bottom of your foot is not in contact with anything. It’s more of an unnatural foot position than with the shoes.
Some feel they must elevate their heel because perhaps they’ve seen a photo of Arnold doing squats this way. Many people who elevate their heels for squats actually don’t need to do this.
Others who elevate their heels have “bad anthropometrics” for the back squat, meaning, their femur length exceeds their torso length, or if these body parts are equal in length, their shin bones are disproportionately short relative to femur length.
Elevating the heels artificially lengthens the shin bones.
Heel elevation shifts knees forward just a little bit, which in turn shifts the shoulders forward, which enables your torso to be less leaned forward to maintain balance during the back squat.
You’re thus able to squat lower without leaning as far forward.
However, the artificial lengthening of the lower legs does not mimic the real thing, which is why heel elevation can strain the knees with heavy squats.
Furthermore, heel elevation de-emphasizes butt and hamstring activation and concentrates more of it in the quadriceps.
The recommendation for those with disproportionately long femurs who struggle with the back squat is to employ neither weightlifting shoes (about $100) and plates (unstable), and instead use a wide stance (Sumo stance) with feet pointed slightly outward. In addition, work on improving hip flexibility.
Lorra Garrick is a former personal trainer certified through the American Council on Exercise. At Bally Total Fitness she trained women and men of all ages for fat loss, muscle building, fitness and improved health.
Is Making Your Child Do Pushups for Punishment Abuse?
Is it abusive to punish your child with pushups?
I wonder if the people who think this is a form of child abuse are also opposed to spanking or other forms of corporal punishment.
I’ll be doggoned if a parent, who thinks nothing of whacking their child, actually thinks it’s cruel to use pushups as a form of punishment when that child misbehaves.
For those of you who believe that making kids do pushups as punishment is abuse:
How many of you have made your kids get down on their hands and knees and do household chores for punishment? Is this any less abusive than doing pushups? Think about that.
Household chores can be a real physical drain on a young body. Have you ever made your wispy little kid haul out heavy garbage bags for punishment?
How about vacuuming the floor of the car, raking leaves, shoveling snow, cleaning windows or wiping the baseboards – for punishment?
It’s not uncommon for parents to make their naughty kids perform household chores or yard work for punishment.
Yet household chores are actually dirtier to do, and more stressful to the body in many ways, than are pushups, especially when equipment (e.g., vacuum cleaner, weed whacker) is used.
Pushups are the foundation of any good physical fitness program.
They are performed in the military by the millions, and are used by personal trainers as part of a fitness assessment.
I was a personal trainer for five years at a gym, and though my clients were adults (though I’ve had some teen clients), from a physical standpoint, it is perfectly safe for kids to do pushups — but what about for punishment?
If the parent screams and hollers at his child to do pushups for punishment, this is out of line, extreme, and shows lack of control on the part of the parent.
Be cool and collected.
Can pushups lose their effectiveness with misbehaving children?
This is possible if your child, on the sly, practices pushups.
It’s also possible if every chance the parent gets, she or he doles out a session of this exercise to teach a lesson.
A young body will adapt to this exercise eventually.
If that happens, no problem: Have your child add a squat jump at the end of the pushup!
The entire move is called a “burpee.” You go down in the pushup, then back up, then quickly spring your feet and hands close together on the floor to prepare for a vertical jump from a squatting position.
After coming down from the jump, you do another pushup.
This raises the intensity level considerably.
Don’t be afraid of making your kids do pushups for punishment; they will gain physical fitness along the way, won’t get bruised, and it is not against the law; you cannot be arrested.
Just keep a calm, controlled demeanor, then follow up with an explanation of why the misbehavior was wrong, and what your child should have done instead that would have been the smarter choice.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
Top image: Shutterstock/Sergey Novikov
When Parents Blame Their Child for Being Bullied
If you’ve ever scolded your child upon learning he or she was a victim of bullying, you made a horrible mistake as a parent.
Parents should never show anger or scorn towards their child upon learning that he or she is the victim of a bully. Nevertheless, there are parents who blame the victim of bullying.
“Many parents think that bullying is just a rite of passage, or that their child is to blame,” says Carleen Wray, executive director of Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE), which equips youth with information to take action to prevent and solve bullying issues.
This reminds me of a woman I babysat for when I was 15.
When I arrived for the babysitting appointment (the boys were about 11 and 8), the mother was fiercely scolding the older boy.
I thought he’d done something really bad to deserve the tongue lashing.
She then informed me that some kid was harassing her son at school.
How can any parent scold their child who’s a victim of bullying?
This mother was just downright mean. I must add that she was always very nice to me, and in my “employee” position and 15-year-old mind, I did not know how to challenge her about her highly inappropriate behavior.
I just accepted it. Sometime after the boys’ parents left, the bully came over to the house: a slightly older, obese kid, asking for the 11-year-old. I told him to go home and he left.
“Parents often do not understand why their child was a victim and assume it must have been his fault,” says Wray.
“They may say he should have had more backbone; he should have stood up to the bully; he shouldn’t be such a book worm or he should act more manly, etc.”
Parents need to understand, says Wray, that bullying is intentional aggressive behavior: There is an aggressor, and there is a VICTIM.
“This is similar to the crime of rape, where the victim is often subjected to blame and judgment and may hear accusatory comments regarding their choice of suggestive clothing or behavior,” explains Wray. “Any student who is bullied is a victim, period.”
If you find yourself reading the riot act to your child because he or she is being bullied, you may want to fast-forward several decades and imagine how eager your child, now grown, would be to assist you in your recovery from total knee replacement surgery.
Will he/she be there for you in YOUR time of need? Do whatever it takes to stop blaming your child for being bullied!
Carleen Wray
