Stop saying “You shouldn’t have!” when given a gift. Just say “Thank you” for Pete’s sake! This seems mostly a neurotypical behavior.
It’s always bugged me when people say, “You shouldn’t have,” upon being given a gift.
Do they say this because they learned that it’s a very proper thing to do?
Did they get the idea that this shows some form of gratefulness?
Or maybe they picked it up from TV shows where it’s not uncommon to hear the recipient say, “Ohhh, you shouldn’t have!” upon being presented with a gift. This is particularly prevalent in sitcoms.
My take as a person on the Spectrum is, if someone gives you a gift or a little surprise, just say “Thank you” and open it!
Why It’s Problematic
But by saying, “Ohh, you shouldn’t have!” you put the giver on the spot.
You put them in an awkward situation. You put them on the defensive, causing them to then come up with some kind of justification for being generous.
They then feel they must say something in response. Even if the recipient is neurotypical, this doesn’t mean a response feels and comes naturally and easily.
The generous NT can still be caught off-guard with this rude response to a gift.
For those of you, autistic or not, who get hit with “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” here’s a good response: “Well I DID. Deal with it.”
Okay, that may be a wee bit strong, but maybe you can respond with a sweet smile, “Too late. Already done. Can’t undo.”
Why is it so difficult to just accept a gift, say thank you, open it and then respond accordingly?
Would someone mind telling me WHY the gift giver “shouldn’t have”? Why shouldn’t they have?
What’s even more strange is that the recipient makes this comment before they even know what the gift is.
For example, it could be a really cheap item that was easy to find or easily obtained.
It’s not as though the giver broke their bank to buy it or had to climb 300 steps to get it.
I have never, in my entire life, said, “You shouldn’t have” or “You didn’t have to” when being given a gift.
I wonder what these recipients would say if the gift giver stuck them with an unexpected “Why not?”
If any autistic people find themselves making this comment among being handed a gift, I have to wonder if it’s mostly due to mimicry to “act normal.”
It could be one of many scripted responses that an Autistic, who desperately wants to conceal their social awkwardness, has in their tool bag.
But if an autistic individual is the giver, they may ask seriously, “Why not?” when told they shouldn’t have (because they tend to think literally).
But why do NTs respond this way? Do they really, truly, genuinely believe that the giver shouldn’t have?
This corny response also makes me wonder if it’s because the recipient has such shoddy self-worth that they don’t feel worthy of even the cheapest gift.
However, they need to realize that it makes the giver HAPPY to give a gift.
What if it’s a handmade gift? Imagine how insulted the giver might feel if you tell them they shouldn’t have wanted to share their craft-making skill with another human being.
It’s like, how dare someone create a little sculpture, bookbinder, tin of homemade cookies, piece of jewelry, crocheted scarf or pretty pillow for another human being!
