Why should special needs adults be expected to connect with every human they meet any more than “normal” people are expected?
This sandbox mentality is totally wrong.
One thing that often goes unnoticed is the expectation that special needs adults should be able to get along with and even form friendships with virtually every other special needs adult they encounter.
This expectation also applies to direct support providers, in that there seems to be a universal assumption that any DSP will automatically connect with any autistic or intellectually disabled individual.
This expectation shows up in day programs, host homes and service settings.
If two people share a diagnosis, attend the same program or receive similar services, there is often an assumption that they should naturally become – at a minimum, buddies.
This expectancy carries over to provider to individual or “client” as well. For example, when I was a community connector for an agency, I was assigned “Stella” to come along with my usual day for “Payzley.” Stella’s regular provider was absent that day.
It wasn’t a good fit with Stella. Several days later my supervisor texted about a few general things, including, “And what’s up with Stella? She doesn’t want to work with you.”
I never responded to that, figuring the other general issues would keep him distracted. He never followed up.
But it fueled my thought process that damn, it’s SO ableist to assume that every developmentally disabled adult will have a nice breezy connection with any assigned provider.
This wasn’t an issue of the supervisor screening for mistreatment. He and Stella were always joking around with each other at the office, and he probably figured that I’d have this same rapport with her.
The Typical Adult
Typical adults are selective about their relationships. They have preferences, personalities, interests and boundaries.
They choose whom they spend time with. They decide:
- which coworkers they enjoy talking to
- which neighbors they connect with
- who to chat up with at their bowling league, Bible study, book club or company picnic
- whom to invite to social gatherings.
Nobody expects a typical adult to become chummy or buddies with every person who works in their office or every human who lives on their street or participates in their sports league.
Yet special needs adults (primarily those with some form of intellectual disability, or autism spectrum) are frequently denied that same freedom of choice.
When a special needs adult says they do not like someone in their program, they may be encouraged to “give them a chance” or “be nice.”
If they avoid another participant, staff may view it as a problem that needs to be fixed, and even chart it down as a “behavior” even though there was actually no malice, no threats, no aggression.
There tends to be this underlying assumption that everyone in the group should be socially connected simply because they are all receiving services together.
Special Needs Adults Likened to Preschoolers in a Sandbox
That idea resembles the way adults sometimes think about young children.
Many people have seen the expectation that all little kids should play together nicely in the sandbox, all get along at recess or all become classroom buddies.
This fuels that ridiculous belief that when kids have a birthday party, every single classmate should be invited – even though the very parents who subscribe to this nonsense would never invite every single coworker to their own birthday celebration, Memorial Day barbecue, gender reveal party or baby shower.
Childhood is often viewed as a period when social preferences are not yet fully developed; kids being viewed as incapable of being socially discriminate or socially selective.
These presumptions are bad enough, but it ventures into ableism when it’s applied to disabled adults.
But they are adults with individual personalities, likes, dislikes, values and interests.
I didn’t connect with Stella, and Stella didn’t connect with me, for the very same reason that my supervisor doesn’t vibe with every single typical adult he comes across in life.
I don’t like Stella. A direct support provider shouldn’t be expected to like every client they work with, not any more than an average Joe or Jane office worker should be expected to hit pay dirt with every coworker they end up working with or nearby.
Some special needs people are outgoing. Some are reserved. Some have strong opinions. Some simply do not click with certain people. And not all providers will click with every individual they’re assigned. All of this is normal human behavior.
The expectation that someone with Down syndrome or some other form of intellectual challenge, or someone who’s autistic, should automatically connect with everyone around them is rooted in an ableist assumption.
“Ableism” Is the Best Word Here
The assumption suggests that special needs adults either do not have meaningful social preferences or should not be allowed to act on their individual preferences.
In effect, it treats them as though they lack the same social judgment that mainstream adults exercise every day.
Most people understand that friendship requires more than common proximity.
Just because two people happen to be in the same environment shouldn’t mean they’ll enjoy each other’s company.
There’s a woman with Down syndrome, “Marla,” I’ve taken out several times from the same agency.
She REALLY liked me, and early on, put her arms around my waist before I even knew what was happening. She even invited me to her birthday party.
One day a therapist at this agency’s office noticed I was working with Marla and asked how things were going. I said “great,” which was the truth.
The therapist remarked that there’s bad blood between Marla and another community connector – who’s been with the agency for 20 years and regularly works with four people at a time.
Again, that got me thinking. The therapist seemingly had a default assumption that something must be wrong with Marla because she couldn’t stand the other provider. Therefore, check with me to see how it’s been going with Marla.
This curiosity, which was not the therapist’s job to do (she was simply getting coffee and had noticed me and Marla at a table) would not have mounted itself had I been seated with an office worker that the therapist herself didn’t like.
Hypocrites
Ironically, many of the adults who expect universal friendliness from special needs adults would never hold themselves to the same standard.
They carefully choose whom they invite to their dinner gatherings or their table during workplace breaks.
Guaranteed, if that therapist and my supervisor didn’t get along, they’d never be forcing themselves to small talk at the coffee station. And they’d think something was awry with any typical adult telling them they should buddy up.
Recognizing that special needs adults have social preferences isn’t a negative approach.
It’s actually a sign of respecting their human rights.
The ability to decide whom you want to hang with or interact with is a basic part of personal autonomy.
Developmentally disabled adults deserve the same right to choose their friends and buddies, the right to avoid incompatible interactions, and the right to form genuine connections rather than forced ones.
Treating them differently reflects a double standard that deserves closer examination.
