You should never ask someone why he or she never remarried. This is just plain thoughtless and inconsiderate.
It’s dumbfounding how often people, who’ve lost a spouse to death, are asked this question.
However, it’s still a dopey question when it’s asked to a divorced woman or man as well.
Either way, it’s an offensive question, even though there will always be that predictable percentage who will actually delight in explaining why — especially if they lost a spouse to divorce rather than death.
“This question feels very personal for most,” begins Talia Wagner, marriage and family therapist and author of “Married Roommates.”
“When some people are asked this, it comes off as judgmental and critical.
They feel judged for the lifestyle they have in the moment, and the question is taken as their failure to meet the social norms or the expectation of others.
“Some people have a negative viewpoint of marriage and know that they never want a redo of that time.
“However, they also may not want to be judged for having a negative interpretation of marriage, so they give a surface- or façade-like answer, or get upset for even being asked about it.
“This is frequently a defensive response to their own interpretations and insecurities.”
Is it supposed to be easy to find another soulmate?
When people ask, “Why haven’t you remarried?” or something similar, such as “How come you never got remarried?” it’s asked as though remarrying is as easy as buying a new pair of shoes.
A considerate person with common sense will avoid asking this question.
If you know the divorced or widowed individual very very well, you’ll very likely already know why they never remarried.
If you don’t know why and are wondering — DO NOT ASK. Instead, try to figure it out on your own — which shouldn’t be hard to do.
There are several logical explanations for why a widow or widower never remarried:
- They just never crossed paths with Soulmate #2.
- They can’t conceive being with someone other than their deceased beloved, whom they believe was the only one meant for them.
- They are too despondent to date again.
Wagner adds, “For these people, getting remarried feels like a betrayal of their beloved lost one, and swearing off marriage just feels like the right thing to do to not taint their memory.”
As for the divorced person:
- See the first bullet point above.
- By the time the divorce rolled around, the children were still young and naturally demanding, and the parent has decided to involve themselves as much as possible with their kids instead of getting involved with a new person.
For some divorced men and women, Wagner explains, “Marriage was hard for them, and the thought of going through anything similar ever again becomes so distasteful that their overall view of marriage gets colored by it.”
Next time you’re tempted to ask someone why they never remarried, consider the possibility that they’ve been on many bad dates and have had several worthless relationships — and are now bitter and frustrated — and have decided to throw in the towel.
Talia Wagner, along with her husband Allen, has a private practice in California.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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