Neurotypicals can be blunt and rude — but usually this is on purpose and they know it.
Anyone who’s familiar with autism knows that a common feature is that of making “blunt” comments or questions — a straightforward approach to expressing oneself.
An example was the time I was in a volleyball league at age 25, and found myself at a team member’s house one evening with other players.
Barb wanted to know what I thought of her homemade potato salad.
I thought it was good, tasty — but it didn’t come close to my mother’s legendary recipe. So I replied something like, “It’s good, but my mother’s is better.”
The expression on Barb’s face indicated that I had “said something wrong.”
I also remember other specific things I’ve said — that in retrospect, realize they were blunt and would be considered inappropriate by most neurotypicals.
In none of these instances was my intention to offend or leave the recipient feeling challenged.
But when neurotypicals (NTs) make rude or strange comments or ask inappropriate questions, the intention is clear: to offend or put the recipient in an awkward position! Why do they do this?
#1 — “Aren’t we good enough for you?”
This question (which may or may not be rhetorical, but is still thoughtless either way) may occur when a coworker asks another if she wants to join a group after work at a bar, and the invitee declines.
It’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard of this question or similar ones being asked under this type of circumstance.
And it is RUDE. It puts the decliner on the spot; sets them up for being defensive and having to offer an explanation.
The question is clearly meant to challenge the decliner.
The closest I’ve ever come to getting this question was when, perhaps at 22 or 23, I went to a bar with several coworkers after second shift ended.
I had wanted a boyfriend (I’d never had one)! To me, the bar was a medium through which to possibly find one: an acceptable environment to just go up to a man and start talking.
Well, a guy asked me to dance several times, and each time, I declined. I just wasn’t interested.
Next day, a coworker approached me and began apologizing about something.
She felt bad about having told another coworker that I must’ve thought I was “too good” for that guy, and she thought that her comment would get, or already did get, back to me. She seemed sincere with her apology, and I accepted.
But NTs are like this — this “are you too good” crap. They need to get over themselves and stop believing they’re SO wonderful that anyone who refuses to hang with them after work must have a problem.
#2 — “Aren’t you having a good time? You look so serious.”
I anticipate that I’ll get hit with this at my niece’s wedding later this year. I’ve already scripted my response and rehearsed it.
My response will be as follows:
“I am having a good time. It’s just that my face doesn’t always look like how I feel. Right now, I feel a nice, pleasant time. If my facial expression reflects otherwise, it’s probably because I’m part Vulcan.”
This response will leave the NT feeling one-upped, yet at the same time, the joke at the end will leave things in a pleasing light.
EDIT: The wedding has come and gone, and nobody commented on my facial expression.
#3 — “Come ON, don’t be shy, give me a hug.”
What is wrong with the person who says this? It’s often spoken to someone whom the NT hardly knows or just met.
The recipient of this tiresome, rude comment isn’t necessarily on the Spectrum.
This comment is so inappropriate that even many NTs find it unpalatable.
The person who says this — (I’ll bet the farm it’s never an Autist) obviously thinks way too highly of themselves.
This comment is especially out-of-line if the recipient is a child!
Though this comment isn’t meant to offend or challenge, the speaker certainly has to know that it makes the recipient feel very awkward and put on the spot. Hence, it’s a RUDE comment.
#4 — Repeatedly asking a guest if they want something to drink.
All my fellow neurodivergent thinkers out there, you know exactly what I’m talking about here.
I attended a party that my oldest brother invited me to when I was 25.
A female guest there asked me at least three times in a row if I wanted anything to drink, despite my initial response being negative.
Have you ever noticed that if you’re a guest at someone’s house, if you reply “No,” or “No thanks,” when someone asks if you want anything to drink, including water, they’ll keep asking?
Now I can understand if the guest looks dehydrated and dazed from walking a mile in the hot sun.
But what is it about walking into someone’s home that makes the resident think they’re thirsty?
Well, I’m not sure that everyone who pushes the beverage actually believes the guest is thirsty.
I think, at least in some of these cases, the person is asking for good measure — a super easy way to show “social graces.”
But gee, isn’t one time enough? Why did that woman keep asking after I’d already said “No thanks”?
No means no. Don’t ask me if I’m “sure.” How could I NOT know if my own mouth is thirsty?
#5 — “What do you DO all day?”
This boneheaded question is asked either to stay-at-home mothers or to young retirees. And to teachers who take the summer off.
I can’t imagine an Autist asking this question in the same vein as does the NT.
It’s all about how it’s asked. The NT will put emphasis on the “do” and seem perplexed over how a SAHM or young retiree could actually occupy their time.
If an Autistic asks this question, it’s a sincere interest in what that person does all day — though I’d imagine this genuine interest would be directed much more to the young retiree than to the SAHM.
In my case, I’ve never asked a SAHM what she does all day.
But I’ve asked a few young retirees what they do all day — hoping that maybe they’d name one of my interests!
It hadn’t been, “What do you DO all day?” It was more like, “What do you do with all your free time?”
People can tell the difference in the way these questions are asked.
NTs have a difficult time figuring out how a person could spend an entire day at home or, at least, not in the presence of other people.
“What do you DO all day?” is usually targeted towards other NTs simply because NTs are the majority of the population.
A person with autism will happily spend all day at home immersed in their special interests.
But the young neurotypical retiree, as well, may spend all day inside the house indulged in their beloved interests.
Autistic people are pretty good at imagining that there could be a ton of things to make hobbies out of and fill up lots of spare time.
It’s really puzzling and unfortunate that many NTs can’t comprehend that a young retiree can fill their days up with all sorts of fun and interesting activities, or that a SAHM can be busy all day making sure her kids have a happy, supportive childhood!
