Women stay in abusive relationships for several reasons, but Stockholm syndrome is far from the only reason.
Stockholm syndrome means you bond with your captor after he abducts you; usually a hostage-taker is a stranger to the victim.
In an abusive relationship, a woman has a history with the man that usually started out in a fairy tale way: At first, the man seemed like Prince Charming.
The woman falls in love with this charming man, or, at least, develops a strong bond with him, but at this point, it’s not a Stockholm syndrome bond, because there’s been no abuse yet.
It’s the Prince Charming phase. The abuse comes to the woman AFTER she has bonded to the man.
The bond is already there, before the abuse. In Stockholm syndrome, a bond develops after the abuse, after the hostage-taking, after the threats — after the fact.
Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, is author of When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong.
She says: “I agree that Stockholm syndrome is one of the largest reasons why women (and abused men) may stay in crappy relationships, but I also believe there are other reasons as well.”
One reason women stay in abusive relationships is fearing the shame and humiliation should anybody find out.
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“Maybe the family warned the woman to begin with that this guy wasn’t healthy for her, but she wouldn’t listen and now she can’t let them be right,” says Fay.
A more overwhelming reason women stay in abusive relationships is that they “fell in love with Dr. Jekyll, but the violent, angry, abusive Mr. Hyde seemed to replace the kind, romantic one,” says Fay.
“At this point the victim usually believes she somehow caused the wonderful Dr. Jekyll to disappear and actually caused the abusive Mr. Hyde to show up.
“She frequently believes if ONLY she could figure out what she did to make him switch like that, then she could turn things back around to what they were like in the beginning. So she stays.”
Thus, Stockholm syndrome isn’t necessarily the key reason women stay in abusive relationships. Instead, it literally can come down to low self-esteem.
Fay explains: “In interviewing the number of (mostly) women I have in this situation, they all seem to share at least some form of low self-esteem … many, while looking outwardly strong and as if they have the world by the tail. Yep – that would have been me!
“But, they may have felt not good enough for most of their lives … at least when it came to relationships.”
Abusive men are part of the equation.
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“The predator is able to sniff these victims out of the masses quite easily,” says Fay.
“Then, he gobs on the charm … something our poor victim has dreamed of all her life and has yet to find.
“The sudden attention, the flowers, the romantic evenings sweep her off her feet, and for the first time she feels that someone finally ‘gets her!’
“She’s easily convinced that the odds of anyone else coming along who ‘gets her’ are slim to none.”
As you can see, this is not how Stockholm syndrome develops. “Once her predator has his claws tightly sunk into her psyche, he can then gradually start switching to almost any behavior he wants, as he knows she’s hooked.”
The next mechanism that keeps a woman staying in an abusive relationship is intermittent reinforcement of rewards in the abusive relationship.
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“As the predator starts behaving badly and the victim starts to consider leaving, the predator knows just exactly how to throw in the treat just often enough to make her stay.
“Thus a big fight might be followed with flowers, sincere apologies, promises to seek counseling, wonderful lovemaking, etc. The victim remembers Prince Charming … she knows he’s in there.
“He knows just how to time these reinforcements to keep her in the game.”
The next reason women stay in an abusive relationship is fear of being alone.
Women with kids, especially, may fear the absence of a man who can support them.
“Many women marry a man whom they know is a bad match, because the thought of being alone was so much more frightening than the idea of maybe having a rocky marriage.”
Finally, a reason women stay in abusive relationships is the brainwashing.
“The abusers seem to be able to convince their victims of many things … that no one else could possibly want them, that he will win any custody battle for the children and that she will never see them again, that he can murder her,” etc.
Stockholm syndrome applies more to a situation involving a stranger-to-stranger kidnapping, with threats of, “I’ll kill you if you try to leave.”
Though abusive men have threatened the lives of their women, and though the women have stayed in abusive relationships out of fear for their life, this does not mean that the women actually have an emotional bond to their violent husband or boyfriend.
Some women do, yes, but as you’ve just read, you can see that Stockholm syndrome doesn’t explain her “love” for him.
And fear of being alone has nothing to do with feeling an emotional bond with a violent man.
The woman may hate him to high heaven, but the fear of being alone, or of breaking her parents’ heart with the truth, wins hands-down.
And don’t forget intermittent reinforcements: “He’s so incredibly loving and kind when he’s sober.”
An abusive relationship often develops insidiously, starting off with just verbal slights, and ultimately evolving into regular physical beatings.
Fay uses this analogy: “If we throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, of course he’ll jump out immediately.
“However, if we throw him in a cold pot of water, then slowly turn up the heat, he won’t notice just how hot it’s getting until it’s too late and he can’t get out. Thus are the lives of many abused victims – women or men.”
I asked Fay for details about her background in the area of women in violent relationships, and she replied:
“My own experiences, combined with interviewing and consulting with hundreds of folks across the U.S. and beyond … let me assure you, I’ve heard it all.
“(And interestingly enough, it’s nearly always the same story, simply with different names and players. But the underlying ‘dis-ease’ is all the same. It’s only the level of intensity that seems to vary.)”
Fay’s book-cover jackets describe her as: A survivor of several difficult relationships who speaks with the voice of one who’s overcome childhood sexual abuse, survived a difficult divorce, worked for some nasty bosses, struggled with a few manipulative friends, and even nearly took her own life due to a depression that felt endless.
After coming through the darkness she finally found her own pathway to healing and discovered healthy relationships instead.
She now consults with individuals across the globe as they too seek the answers to escaping their abusive relationships, discover ways to make better choices in future mates, and instead learn how to love “healthy.”
Although Fay’s marriage was not physically abusive, she explains: “When you’re involved with someone who is not a healthy match for you your own low self-esteem issues are pretty huge, the damage that can be done is still substantial … as evidenced by my near suicide.
“As I like to remind my clients, MY baggage, combined with HIS baggage, is what made that relationship unhealthy for me.”
Mary Jo Fay is a speaker, author and consultant who specializes in relationships.
Lorra Garrick has been covering medical, fitness and cybersecurity topics for many years, having written thousands of articles for print magazines and websites, including as a ghostwriter. She’s also a former ACE-certified personal trainer.
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