When a man holds a door for a woman he doesn’t know, could there be times this is to show superiority of the sexes rather than an act of kindness?
Can it be, at times, to show who’s in charge or to reflect some sort of atonement for his transgressions in life?
I was inspired to write this commentary after reading an article by a woman who encountered a door holder at a bakery.
She had a bag of bagels and donuts, but certainly was nowhere near incapacitated by holding her purchase.
As she headed towards the door, a man was also heading towards it.
The situation may seem like a run-of-the-mill “polite” man holding a door open for a woman.
However, in this particular case, there was a huge kink in the chain.
Before I go on, it’s important to let you know that the article had been posted during the COVID-19 mask mandate.
That’s important here to know, because this man seemingly wanted to be kind to a stranger, but on the flipside, had rudely disregarded the mask mandate.
So the writer continues that he had on a shirt. He had on pants and shoes. But no mask.
Why no mask? Because this “polite” man didn’t think the law applied to him.
How troublesome would it have put a piece of light cloth over his nose and mouth?
During the mandate I wore a mask during even hardcore gym workouts. It wasn’t fun, but it was the law at the time, and masking up has been proven to reduce the risk of contracting an airborne virus.
So this “courteous” man didn’t care about possibly infecting the woman when he stood at the door, hand pressed on it, waiting for her to cross the threshold that he ruled.
Could this had been a power play? It was not about politeness, because if he was so polite, why didn’t he care about the possibility of infecting people in the busy shop by going maskless during a mask mandate and hollering out his order (which the author said he’d done), spewing his micro-spit?
He couldn’t have possibly known if the woman had underlying health conditions that made her vulnerable to severe COVID-19 complications, even though she may have looked healthy.
How dare he expect her to put herself — and anyone who lives with her — at risk?
And even if she looked like an Olympic athlete, the man should’ve known (and we all know that he did) that she could have brought the virus — caught from him — home to a vulnerable family member — such as an elderly parent, elderly in-law, or perhaps a younger household member who was undergoing cancer treatment.
The writer said that at first, she hesitated, stopping in her tracks to let him go through the door first.
But he was insistent and waited for her.
Finally, she hurried through the door, under his arm, and swiftly into the parking lot, having reported in her article that she had not wanted to hurt his feelings.
She felt so unnerved by this that she wrote about it. Writing is therapeutic, but I’m sure that she’d love to go back in time and redo the event: Tell him boldly, “After you!” and refuse to budge until he went through first.
Many people went without a mask during the mandate, but what makes this case highly unique was that this man, who disregarded a health related law, apparently wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy by holding a door open for a stranger.
She Didn’t Want to Hurt His Feelings
The woman wasn’t unique with this approach. There are women who’ll get into a car with a man they don’t know when he offers a ride, to avoid hurting his feelings. I’ve heard of these cases via true crime documentaries.
If you want to be a good human being, do volunteer work.
But you don’t owe a stranger a pump to his ego by walking into his personal space as he holds a door open for you.
And by the way, the risk wouldn’t have just been a coronavirus.
There are men who will entice a woman into getting into his personal space — so he could grope her. Does anyone in New York come to mind?
Though the bakery man didn’t grope, the writer couldn’t have possibly predicted this or not. She took her chances.
In her reply to my comment to her article, she acknowledged that she had put this stranger’s feelings ahead of her safety and that of her family’s.
The article had appeared on the Medium.com site, and at the posting date of this commentary, it’s now a 404 page.
Look — if you feel uncomfortable or awkward about allowing a man to hold a door open for you, then by golly, don’t let it happen.
There is no golden rule that says you must submit to this behavior.
It’s not always about kindness. It can also be about arrogance and a need for a man to show who the “alpha sex” is.
What about sincere door holders?
Yes, there exist door holders who are genuinely trying to be kind to their fellow humans.
I’ve witnessed men holding doors open for other men. I’ve observed women holding doors open for women and men.
Here is a fair question: Can you picture the man at the bakery waiting to hold a door open for a frumpy middle-age woman in baggy sweats or a fat disheveled man with acne? I can’t see it happening.
Now, if the homely woman or man were right behind the door holder, I’m sure he would’ve held the door for them.
When people hold doors for strangers who are literally a few feet behind them, this is an ingrained “right thing to do” type of behavior.
But according to the writer, she and the man were some distance apart as they were converging towards the door, and he got there first — and then planted himself there.
This is not about being polite. It’s about the king of the jungle pounding his chest with his fists.
Call me over-analytical all you want, but in the many years I’ve been watching true crime documentaries, it’s not uncommon for a woman to end up in a dangerous situation because she didn’t have her over-analytical radar turned on. In these situations, the women have often ended up dead.
During the mandate I had been expecting a maintenance man for my then-apartment.
I heard a knock, opened the door and saw him standing there without a mask in sight.
He said, “You called for maintenance?” He didn’t seem friendly.
I said with authority, “Yes, but you need to put on a mask.”
He replied, “Then you’ll have to wait another 15 minutes because I don’t have it with me.” He went down the stairs.
Ten minutes later he was back, masked up. His demeanor was totally changed, too. He was now personable.
No Feelings to Be Hurt
My reply to the writer was: “A man such as the one you described has no feelings to be hurt. He’s too arrogant and butt-headed.
“If you’re worried about hurting a stranger’s feelings, always ask yourself, will this matter to me 48 hours from now? Will it matter two hours from now?
“As you read this, can you even remember what that man’s face looked like?
“If so, do you know his name? His hobbies? Of course not! He was a mere bipedal animal with a pulse.
“His feelings don’t matter, because your safety and self-respect didn’t matter to him.”
I also explained that some (not all) door holders do this to compensate for transgressions such as cutting off a person on the road earlier that day, or for all we know, cheating on their wife. “It’s their way of atonement,” I wrote.
My comment continued, “In addition, it’s about being in control of women, because you’ll never see them holding doors open for men they don’t know — unless those men are literally right behind them.
“But when a man waits many seconds for a woman to get to a door — that just blurts a control issue.
“If I see that my path will intersect with a man’s near a door in about 10 seconds, I will stop and fiddle around with something, like adjust my shoelace or pretend I’m texting.
“I can’t tell you how many times a complete stranger will just stand there holding the door even though I’m stopped in my tracks 20 feet or more away.”
The Social Aspect
Finally, some women just don’t want to interface with strangers when in public.
If you pander to a door holder, you set yourself up for having to interface, albeit briefly.
I’m not a people person. I’m not a people pleaser. I certainly don’t want interactions with strangers when in public. Pandering to a door-holder forces this.
At the time of the woman’s story, I had not yet began suspecting that my lifelong issue with people was due to autism. In 2022 I received my clinical autism diagnosis.
But autism isn’t required to find door holding by a stranger a very awkward situation.
Non-autistic women (and men), as well, may find door holding tricky to navigate.
What if I have a lot on my mind that day? I don’t want to have to make eye contact with some door holder and have to say “Thank you” as though I’m too incapacitated to open a door for myself.
What if the woman at the bakery actually did have autism or social anxiety and detests unplanned social interactions with strangers? Why don’t these “polite” men get this?
Again, if someone’s smack right behind you, the right thing to do is to keep the door open for them. I myself do this. It happens often at the gym.
But it’s highly suspicious for a power play when the woman is like 25 feet from the door and he stands there like a doorman waiting for her — waiting…waiting to see just how many flies he could trap in his web.
