I have no social circle. And I can’t help but blame family members for this.
For decades they knew I was autistic, but kept this crucial information from me. They knew I didn’t know.
Had I known I was autistic 30 years ago, this would’ve dramatically heightened the odds of having an inner circle today as I write this.
Most would agree it’s a lot easier to seek out and cultivate strong relationships in younger adulthood than at 59 (when I got my autism diagnosis). It can take years to develop a strong inner circle.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to develop new friendships at 60.
Certainly, this could happen quite often among neurotypicals. But it’s hard enough for Autistics to land a good relationship or friendship without being “older” in the process.
Since my diagnosis I’ve attended numerous events that would attract autistic adults: social events dedicated to those on the Spectrum, and autism resource fairs.
Guess what, people: Four and a half years of this, and I STILL need only three hands to count the number of both autistic men and women I’ve seen at these events who are around my age.
Like maybe 12, over a four and a half year period – that’s like meeting 12 people over 4.5 years and hoping that, by mere chance, one or two will become a tight friend of yours.
Friendships have never come easily to me. I’ve never really had a boyfriend, either (I’d always searched in the general population, not knowing I was neurodivergent; is it any wonder nothing ever came of these fruitless searches?)
Thus, it would require large amounts of people in order to find that one or two.
I don’t put a limit on age when it comes to a platonic relationship.
I was just using older age as a point of illustration, to convey how difficult it is for an Autistic to surround themselves with like-minded individuals! It’s damn hard!
We’re all over Facebook alright, but few venture into the community to meet others of their “tribe.” I’d welcome friendships with Autistics half my age, but still even then, the pool is limited.
A neurotypical could go out anywhere and be around reams of other NTs: lots of easy pickins’.
Not so for an Autistic. And finding romance is profoundly more difficult.
This is the area where society still expects women to get involved with only those men who are no more than five years younger.
When I got my diagnosis, the accepted age range for a boyfriend would’ve been 54+.
Well, maybe some leeway there, since 59 is far from young adulthood, so maybe 50+, but even then, a woman of 59 dating a man of 50 might still get some raised eyebrows within his inner circle, even if he’s autistic.
What makes this even more troubling is that I don’t want an old man.
In those 4.5 years, I need only ONE hand to count the number of autistic men I’ve encountered who were at least 50 and “high functioning enough” to have a relationship. ONE HAND, PEOPLE!
Imagine you’re looking for romance, and your choices come down to five randomly selected adults.
It’s one thing to choose five out of a pool that’s already been vetted for commonalities such as healthy lifestyle habits, religion, where they like living, what they do in their spare time and temperament.
But in my case, those five were entirely random. Finding the right man out of just a random five would be extremely difficult for even an NT!
Think of it this way: You’re a straight woman looking for romance. You’re at a football stadium crammed with 50,000 people.
A bird is flying overhead and poops randomly five times at different areas of the stadium, hitting five men.
What are the odds that any of those men would be right for you?
Even if those five just all happen to be in your preferred age range, what are the odds Mr. Terrific would get droppings on his head?
Even if I wanted an old man, I still couldn’t get one.
Autistic social events, and to a degree, autism resource fairs, are dominated by Autistics in their 20s and 30s. Any Autist in their 40s is actually considered the “older” person!
When someone gets a late diagnosis, all they want is to hang with their own tribe for the first time in their life. They often won’t care about age!
As I run up hills, jump onto platforms, jump down from platforms, and conduct gym workouts that would scare off people half my age, I am just simply incapable of being attracted to a man my age.
- I don’t want sex.
- I’m a virgin; I’ll always be a virgin.
- I’ve never had a libido (and no, I’ve never been SA’d; this is my innate wiring).
- If an autistic man shows an interest in me, but he wants sex – even if he’s 35 and has the physique of an ancient Greek statue and a full head of hair – I will tell him, “Nice meeting you, but you’re not my type. Bye.”
- I don’t want anything “down there.”
- I just want hugs, cuddling, handholding, etc.
It’s my family’s fault I’ll never have this, because they had withheld that crucial information from me.
Had I known when I was 30, I would’ve at least had a spanking chance of meeting a soulmate.
But now? It’s hard enough for even NT women of my age to find a guy unless she hangs with elderly men!
So I’ve accepted the fact “It ain’t gonna happen.” It just was never meant to be.
I know there are autistic-NT unions, but that was never meant to be in my case.
I can’t force myself to like an old man, be he autistic or NT.
I Work on Staying Young
Well, it’s time to head to the gym where I’ll be doing things that few women half my age can do.
I’m functionally 35. I’m obsessed with maintaining a young, very fit, strong and capable body.
That’s the least I can do for someone who’d been – I guess you can say — gaslit by family members for decades.
Would’ve Cost Them Nothing to Introduce the Idea
Discovering that my family withheld a diagnosis that could have provided me with self-understanding, community and support years earlier is a profound and painful betrayal.
By them keeping my diagnosis a secret and certainly talking about it among themselves, I ended up living inside a false narrative, leading me to believe my struggles were the result of faulty wiring.
Just a hint that I might be autistic would’ve sent me seeking this out, not erupting into a volcano like these cowards probably assumed I would’ve.
It’s Not Entitlement
If you’re thinking, “Gee, your family didn’t owe you shit,” here’s something to clamp onto:
I’ve read many posts in threads in which someone suggested to a family member (the poster) that they might be autistic.
It was a game changer and life changer for that individual. So YES, it IS a thing in which family members actually care enough to suggest the idea!
Don’t suggest I try a dating site for Autistics. The second that men see my age, they’ll move on to the next profile.
Lorra Garrick is a former personal trainer certified by the American Council on Exercise. At Bally Total Fitness, where she was also a group fitness instructor, she trained clients of all ages and abilities for fat loss and maintaining it, muscle and strength building, fitness, and improved cardiovascular and overall health. She has a clinical diagnosis of ASD.
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