Do you know someone who at every turn says “I’m sorry”?
These two words are among the most overused, and this excessive use dilutes the meaning entirely.
One has to wonder what kind of childhood experiences or family dynamics they had such that they feel a need to apologize over every little thing.
When people say “I’m sorry” to me, they rarely have committed any sort of infraction.
Now if someone apologizes after you point out they interrupted you, that’s different.
Or, if the deli clerk accidentally wraps up ham when you requested chicken, it’s understandable that they’d say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I had grabbed the chicken.”
But apologizing can be excessive in some individuals when it’s totally uncalled for.
For instance, a service worker enters my home and doesn’t close the door behind him.
I’m in the next room and casually say, “Oh, can you close the door so flies don’t come in?”
He says “I’m sorry.”
I can easily brush these off because such an encounter is brief and likely one-time only.
Excessive apologizing becomes an issue when you’re in regular contact with the individual.
It’s an issue because it kind of makes me feel like I must keep telling them, “You don’t have to apologize.”
It also makes me wonder if I’ve been inadvertently offending them.
Do YOU often say “I’m sorry”?
If so, I want you to know that this overuse likely makes the recipient wonder if they keep offending you.
It puts them on the spot as well — even if they don’t react to it. It’s awkward as heck.
It also tempts them to finally speak up, “Stop apologizing already. It’s annoying.”
Or, they might keep pointing out, “You don’t need to apologize,” which becomes a drag to keep pointing out.
It’s Not Good Manners
Habitually apologizing is not a show of good manners.
It’s an annoying habit, but it’s one of those habits that few people will bring to the attention of the individual.
When I was in my early 20s, I was paired up with a boy of 12 in a martial arts class.
He kept saying “I’m sorry” every time I casually spoke something like, “Put your hand over here,” or, “No, face this way,” etc.
I finally told him to stop saying he’s sorry. Guess what his response was.
Where are the parents in all of this? Bad habits don’t develop overnight.
Another one that gets me is, “Can I ask you a question?”
Just ask the question; no need to preface it with asking permission!
I work several hours a week as a community connector with a woman who has a mild intellectual disability and high functioning autism.
I finally pointed out to her (in a casual tone) to stop saying to me, “Can I ask you a question,” and instead to just fire it away.
The questions were never rude or inappropriate; it’s a frequent bad habit on her part.
You might brand me as “mean” for explaining to her why she didn’t need to preface every question this way.
However, not pointing this out would be a form of underestimating her cognitive abilities.
I’m not going to underestimate this young woman; I’m going to assume she’s adult enough to understand and then resolve the problem.
My job is to help her increase her independence, and this would include instructing her in more effective spoken language.
She’s been on the phone with her mother and grandfather and is guilty of the preface with them as well.
This made me wonder why her family never nipped this habit in the bud.
I pointed out the issue only very recently, so we’ll see if it sticks.
She also crazy overuses “I’m sorry.” I keep telling her, “You don’t need to apologize.”
It’s not working.
Now, before you brand me as “mean,” keep in mind that excessive apologizing can just as easily occur in non-disabled or typical people – such as the karate partner.
But usually, when I hear it from typical people, I know I’m not going to be in regular contact with them. So I just say nothing.
I’ve even gotten an apology for asking someone to repeat something I didn’t quite make out. I’d say, “What was that?” or, “Can you repeat that?”
Just repeat it; no need to say “I’m sorry.” Again, this is NOT an act of good manners or kindness.
People sometimes ask me to repeat something. I simply do so; no apology. Why should I apologize?
Potential Harm
It also can be potentially harmful in social settings or in a job interview.
Imagine you’re interviewing someone for a job and they keep saying “I’m sorry” on a dime.
What would this make you think of their level of self-assuredness?
Well, maybe you wouldn’t think much of it, but the job applicant can’t assume that every interviewer is going to look past this grating habit.
As for social settings, it could send a message to a bully that the individual is vulnerable and unable to stand up for themselves.
That bully could then go to work manipulating that individual or in some way taking advantage of them – even committing a serious crime against them.
Excessive use of “I’m sorry” sends a message that this person isn’t very self-confident, always feels at fault and can easily be abused.
