Is it wise for little girls to grow up on Cinderella, a cowardly woman who makes NO effort to escape an abusive situation?
What kind of role model is THAT?
Cinderella is among the most favorite fairy tale characters, but certainly not because she shows any resilience, talents or empowerment.
So fragile is Cinderella’s state of mind, that her stepsisters and stepmother don’t even need to exhibit feats of strength or magic to scare her into submitting to the abuse.
All they need do is bark out orders, and Cinderella, dressed in rags, drops to her knees and scrubs the floor.
Why would mothers want to present Cinderella as a character to be endeared?
Young girls dress up as her for Halloween. When my kindergarten niece came home from a party wearing a floor-length, shiny puffy dress, my father said, “You look just like Cinderella.” (Good thing he didn’t say she thinks like her!)
Cinderella is unable to assert herself and stand up for what she believes in, but that doesn’t matter, as long as she eventually gets the prince and lives happily ever after, right?
There are various story versions, but the bottom line is that Cinderella never had to make much effort to win over the prince, and in every version, magical and supernatural forces play key roles in rescuing her from the abuse.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our perfect soulmate one day appeared, and the only way to get him was to fit our foot in a slipper?
It wouldn’t matter if we looked like a gargoyle, if we had little education, if we had few skills or drive…as long as our foot fit into a shoe!
But Cinderella, quite frankly, has zero backbone. She won’t stand up to the bullies.
Children in first grade have been known to stand up to bullies, and here we have a grown woman who won’t. Cinderella has no inner strength.
I’m not suggesting that the reason a woman gravitates towards abusive men, or even lacks initiative to get ahead in life, is because Granny read Cinderella to her or dressed her up for Halloween as Cinderella. Of course not.
Family dynamics trump any fairy tale. How a girl sees her mother being treated by Dad or boyfriends is a very powerful determinant in what kind of men she’s drawn to as an adult. How Dad and Mom treated her is another forceful variable.
“By itself, the Cinderella story is just a story, and won’t shape a girl’s psyche,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist in S. California who counsels individuals and couples, and author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.”
“However, if it’s coupled with a lot of helplessness, such as helpless-acting and self-deprecating female family members, more stories and activities focusing on being rescued from life’s responsibilities, it can take on an iconic status.”
It seemingly already has: Cinderella is among the most popular Halloween costumes, and there’ve been a number of movies based on this fairy tale.
Nevertheless, Dr. Tessina notes that this story, if one of many in a girl’s childhood, won’t pose any harm if the other stories have strong female characters.
So again, nobody is saying that reading Cinderella to your daughter will mess her up.
But gee, it’s the idea of it. Why not stick to stories with strong, take-charge women who are actually shakers and movers?
Cinderella is not a self-made woman.
What kept her from simply standing up to her female “abusers,” then packing up her scant belongings and getting out of there?
Dr. Tessina explains, “Cinderella was conceived when women did not have the opportunity to escape; to live without protection was probably deadly. Women were denied rights in society.
“By that reckoning, Cinderella is actually pretty plucky. She does try to sew her own gown and get things arranged so she can go to the ball, but her ugly stepsisters defeat her.”
The fairy tale dates back to the 17th century. In some versions she gets help from doves and her deceased mother’s spirit.
So how much she actually arranges things varies. It’s easy to argue that 300 years ago, women indeed had few options, but many women today think like Cinderella, despite having multitudes of options.
On the other hand, think of the pluckiness of modern-day abused teenagers who have no fear of running away from a corrupt home, not knowing when their next meal or hot shower is coming.
What does Cinderella teach young girls?
- That it’s okay to let mean people step all over you?
- That you’re not allowed to assert yourself and try to work your way out of an abusive situation?
- That if you have good looks, all you need do is just be patient and that silver platter will eventually be handed to you?
“Rather than pointing to Cinderella as a bad influence, it would be more beneficial to talk with a daughter about today’s options, and I think women’s history is important for young girls to know, too,” says Dr. Tessina.
“I also don’t think it’s detrimental to believe that help comes when we need it, as long as we also understand that we have to do our part.”
We need a modernized version of Cinderella, one where she actually fights back (without the help of doves or magic that turns a mouse into a BMW).
And though many women actually do meet their Prince Charming by happenstance, it would be nice to see Cinderella do a bit more to earn her prince than stick her foot in a slipper.
Dr. Tessina
