Do you know someone who’s always saying “I’m sorry”?
Or sometimes they just shorten it to “sorry” and you know it’s going to come on heavy when you meet up with this person?
What’s really going on when someone frequently says “I’m sorry” over every little thing?
- Is it politeness?
- Or is it insecurity?
“I’m sorry,” or just the “sorry” alone, has become an overused filler in the English vernacular.
I wonder if there’s another country, with another language, where this occurs with so much frequency.
It’s Not Politeness
People may think that often saying “I’m sorry” is simply good manners.
But when it’s poured on thick, no matter what the nature of the interaction, it’s less about politeness and more about insecurity.
When someone apologizes constantly, they’re not always owning real mistakes — they’re trying to manage how others perceive them.
Plus, in these cases, there’s never any real mistake or mishap in the first place.
It can be a way of saying, “Please don’t be mad,” or, “I don’t want to take up space,” even when nothing wrong actually happened.
“Can you speak a little louder so the court reporter can hear you?” asks the attorney in a litigation meeting.
“I’m sorry,” says the person who’s being asked questions by the lawyer about a personal injury claim.
The litigant did nothing wrong, so why did they apologize? Because they want to create a good impression to the defendant’s lawyer?
No, that’s not the reason, because people who constantly say “sorry” do so in any circumstance.
Frequent apologies often show discomfort with conflict or fear of being judged.
Instead of confidently stating needs or opinions, the person softens everything with an apology, hoping to avoid rejection.
Over time, this can turn into a habit where “sorry” replaces neutral phrases like “excuse me,” “thanks for waiting,” or even just silence.
The apology becomes a shield, not a courtesy.
Communication Can Be Weakened
Overuse of “I’m sorry” can weaken communication.
It puts the speaker in a lower position and subtly tells others they’re at fault for existing, talking or asking questions.
- That’s not politeness — it’s self-erasure.
- Real politeness is about respect and clarity, not constant self-blame.
I’ve proofread deposition transcripts for all my adult life, and it’s unbelievable how often I come upon a transcript in which the deponent keeps saying “I’m sorry,” over and over.
And the deponent isn’t always a defendant or plaintiff. It could be anyone relevant to the case.
What I’ve noticed, though, is that people with a high level of education are less likely to over-apologize.
This doesn’t mean people with post-college education are ruder than those whose education stopped at high school.
But it is a very interesting observation, and I’ve read thousands of depos. The overuse is equal among both women and men.
I’ve also heard it in person. People who do this need to realize that it puts the recipient on the spot, making them feel that they must pat you on the back or reassure you every single time you say “sorry.”
You need to ask yourself why you use frequent apologies as a crutch or security blanket to navigate human to human interaction.
Of course, being secure with yourself doesn’t mean never apologizing.
Instead, it means apologizing when it’s actually warranted.
But how can one tell when it’s actually warranted? Well, ask yourself how many times today you’ve said “I’m sorry.”
If it’s plenty, then you know that most of those apologies were not warranted.
There’s also a possibility that you’ll greatly underestimate the number of times you said “sorry.”
Maybe you can record yourself when with another individual and then play it back.
Or, you can ask a trusted person to make a note of it without telling you each time you do it, and only at the end of the interaction, reveal the number.
A well-placed apology shows accountability. Too many, and it starts to sound like doubt disguised as manners.
