Trying to “fix” your child’s shyness may cause more harm than good.
I recently read in an advice column of a woman who complained that her husband would make his child sit in the laps of people the boy hardly knew, in an attempt to get the youngster to overcome shyness.
This is outrageous. The blaring reason is that it sends the message to the child that he has no say-so or domain over his body, and that if adults want to physically handle him against his will, he must allow them to do it without a fight.
This mental conditioning will prime this child for being a very easy victim of sexual abuse or molestation, should the town pedophile ever catch him alone.
Many parents are overly concerned when they realize their child is shy.
Now, if your child is so shy that he or she runs for cover whenever a friendly stranger appears within 100 feet, then this is a problem that needs attention.
But if your kid is showing signs of simple typical shyness, then relax and don’t panic.
Did you know that kids who grow up to be extroverted, gregarious, very social teens are more likely to do drugs?
The extroverted, social child is more likely to be influenced by peer pressure and following the crowd.
You may think that the shy kid will want to do anything to be popular, and this may be true in some cases.
But that extrovert will be in far more contact with many more people, and the more people, the more likely she’ll encounter ones of bad influence, and extroverts tend to worry a lot about what other people think.
Kids who keep to themselves, on the other hand, often don’t give a rip what other people think. Now again, who is more likely to be swayed by peer pressure to do the wrong thing?
Introverted, shy teens are rarely the ones smoking in the john with a group of friends between classes.
I know that in my junior high and high school, the “bad” kids usually had a lot of friends. The shy child would rather be in the library reading or listening to music in solitude.
Who is more likely to be lured into a car by a sex offender?
Well, this is a very interesting issue to look into. “An extrovert may have a lot of self-confidence and wouldn’t go with a pedophile,” says Carole Lieberman, MD, a forensic psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets.
“But, a child who has a psychological problem that makes her gregarious because she’s needy for attention would be vulnerable to a pedophile. Similarly, a shy child who is simply very cautious, would be extremely hesitant to go with a pedophile.
“But, a child whose shyness is actually reflective of an underlying depression or mental illness would be vulnerable to a pedophile.”
Just using common sense, you might see that a child who runs over to meet unfamiliar strangers on the street (e.g., steam cleaning man, neighbor’s new housekeeper, exterminator, movers) is anything but shy, and could easily be talked into entering a stranger’s van to view the puppies in the basket (which really aren’t there, if you know what I mean).
Have you yourself ever tried to get a shy kid you don’t know to follow you? Good luck. Pedophiles don’t like to work hard; they go after kids who smile warmly at them and who easily approach them.
What kind of message do you send your shy child if she knows you are trying to fix or correct her shyness? She’ll feel defective and she’ll think you’re not happy or accepting of her.
If you want to “bring out” your kid or get him out of his “shell,” then don’t order him to say “Hi” to every stranger.
He is simply obeying your command and this will not produce an internal ease with strangers.
Do not make her kiss or receive hugs and kisses from strangers or people she hardly knows, including relatives.
Instead, enroll them in martial arts school, encourage them to develop inborn skills and show value to their opinions.
Dr. Lieberman says that shy children tend to be more reflective than their outgoing counterparts.
She also explains, “Shyness can be a plus, when it directs a child towards serious career goals, for example.
“But, parents should try to help their children become more comfortable with others by involving them in playdates and after-school activities from the time they are very young.”
PS: It’s not the shy kids who talk nonstop in a loud, annoying voice and constantly interrupt and act pushy and spoiled.
Dr. Lieberman analyzes the psychological impact of world events, as a guest and/or host on all major media outlets. Her appearances include “Larry King Live,” “The Today Show,” “Good Morning America,” “Entertainment Tonight,” CNN and Fox News.
