The ability to have back and forth conversation does NOT rule out autism.
In fact, many Autistics have two-way conversations with ease.
Though the inability to have a “reciprocal” conversation is a very telling sign of autism – be it in a newly diagnosed child or an adult who was diagnosed in childhood – this doesn’t mean that ALL people on the Spectrum can’t do this.
First of all, I put reciprocal in quotes because this term can be taken to mean one of two things, when it comes to Autism Spectrum Disorder and back and forth conversations.
- Emotional reciprocity. My autism assessment report said that I lacked this, and it’s a common term in the autism evaluation community.
- Mechanical reciprocity. I created this term – to refer to back and forth conversation in the vocal sense — whether there’s an empathetic exchange or not.
The so-called struggle with a conversation with two+ people can thus refer to strictly emotional reciprocity.
Lacking emotional reciprocity means the inability of the autistic person to exchange emotions and empathetic responses between conversational partners.
This absence results in an imbalance of supportive interaction.
Now, the absence of mechanical reciprocity means that the Autist outright can’t conduct back and forth dialogue.
The part of their brain that’s responsible for this has never worked and will never work, even though they may be fully capable of speech and even be able to read aloud fluently.
Emotional Reciprocity
I was diagnosed with autism in March 2022.
You’ve probably heard that saying, “If you’ve met one autistic person … then you’ve met one autistic person.” We’re not all alike.
Even within the same classification (e.g., Level 1, “high functioning” or the formerly known Asperger’s syndrome), there is a huge breadth of presentation.
However, one of the traits that seems to run through every single Autist – including highly verbal ones who can exhibit mechanical reciprocity for hours – is the lack of emotional reciprocity.
You might know an Autistic who seems to do quite well with emotional reciprocity in one-on-one exchanges.
But there’s a pretty strong possibility that they’re masking, meaning, faking the show of empathy in an attempt to appear normal and fit in.
This may require conscious effort (and can be taxing), or, they have done this so many times (including based on practiced scripts) that it automatically occurs, kind of like an autopilot thing.
This is a very different experience from that of a neurotypical, despite how natural and fluid it may appear.
The Autist could be very well-rehearsed, but internally, they can also feel quite awkward going against their grain.
This outward appearance of emotional reciprocity in back and forth talk does not feel natural to them.
This isn’t to say that there can’t be times when they really DO feel a natural emotional connection.
I know I’ve felt it with my parents. Well of course! But I completely lack it with everyone else.
My experience here, though, does not apply to every single person with autism. It’s my autistic experience, and there are certainly Autists out there who feel connections with people beyond immediate family such as with a long-time friend or an aunt.
Whereas, neurotypicals not only display an emotional connection with seemingly anyone they converse with, but it also comes naturally to them; it feels natural; no scripting, rehearsing or other prepping necessary.
So though many Autistics can easily engage in a wordy exchange with another individual, it will typically lack an emotional reciprocal component (unless they’re masking).
For example, a handyman at a previous home, whom I got along with very well, began telling me about a rock band that he really loved, and how one of its members eventually went solo and how moved his music made him.
How did I respond? It just felt so natural for me to reply by talking about a different rock band that I liked.
Most neurotypicals wouldn’t do this.
I’ve always had a tendency to bring up similar experiences that I’ve had, whenever anyone tells me of their own experience, even if their experience was upsetting or distressing to them.
It’s been said that when Autists do this, it means they lack empathy.
However, autism self-advocates and NT autism assessors will explain that this is how autistic people show empathy – by immediately relating their own similar experiences. We are wired to do so.
Mechanical Reciprocity
Many people with ASD exhibit this, even from early childhood.
The fluid back and forth nature is often fueled by the Autist wanting to talk about their special interest, though there are other reasons such as banter among coworkers, exchanges at social events or interacting in the business world.
It’s natural for the Autistic to feel minimal, if any, emotional bond with the human they’re interfacing with.
Before I realized I was on the Spectrum, I once told someone that the main reason I talk with people is for “information exchange” — either getting data or news from them or me deliving them information.
We don’t hear a lot about mechanical reciprocity (or any number of synonyms for my term), though, because it’s not concerning.
What’s concerning is when one’s child still can’t form a complete sentence by age three, and when as an adult, an autistic person is still not able to hold a conversation, though he may be quite verbal in other ways.
I’ve known some autistic people who, despite being fully speaking, were incapable of that back and forth dynamic that constitutes an actual conversation.
For example, two particular men, whom I met at some point after my diagnosis, come to mind, who will never be able to conduct a back and forth dialogue.
However, both could read out loud as fluently as the next person.
Both can speak to express a need (this ability obviously is controlled by another part of the brain).
They can also answer simple questions such as, “What did you have for breakfast.”
One of them exhibits echolalia. Me: “Are you growing a beard?” Him nodding: “Growing a beard.”
The bearded man, upon seeing a person he knows show up at the climbing gym with a leg in a cast, asked outright, “What happened to your leg?”
This is a classic conversation opener for NTs. But not him! He got his answer, then left the guy.
Neither man is capable of giving a narrative to questions such as, “Describe what you did on your trip to Disneyland,” or, “What is it about your day program that you like the most?”
They’ll give limited responses, such as “the food,” and will never follow up with something like, “What about you? Have you ever been to Disneyland?”
I asked one of them to write out (pen and paper) five things he’d like to do.
As he was printing complete sentences, he said out loud each word.
But even with this prompt, he just lacks the ability to follow up with additional comments, or questions to me about my goals.
Special Interests in Chitchatting
I, along with so many other Autistics, can easily hold my own in a conversation.
I can argue, debate, respond to any question, you name it!
There are autistic people who will even hog or dominate group conversations!
My special and regular interests are the backbone of my mechanical reciprocity in talking with people.
For example, many NTs will ask a pregnant woman if she’s picked out a name.
I’ll do that too – but not for the reasons a neurotypical will.
I want to see if the name is one of those that has endless spelling possibilities.
And if it is, I’ll ask how they plan on spelling it. Their reply could lead me into talking about name spellings – the Autistic that I am!
This isn’t a reciprocal exchange. It’s a me, my special interest, conversation.
In Conclusion
Beware of autism checklists that state, “struggles with conversation,” as a sign.
Many individuals on the Spectrum are perfectly capable of the physical mechanics of back and forth talk.
This doesn’t make their diagnosis of autism any less valid than someone’s who can’t mechanically reciprocate.
If an older child has never been able to engage in a two-way dialogue, chances are pretty high that they’ve already received an ASD diagnosis – years ago (excluding the possible diagnosis of an intellectual disability, which is an entirely different condition).
“Struggling with conversation” can also apply to those with severe social anxiety or who are experiencing significant emotional trauma.
The mechanical ability is present, but from a mental standpoint, they’re unable to carry it out.
Lorra Garrick is a former personal trainer certified by the American Council on Exercise. At Bally Total Fitness, where she was also a group fitness instructor, she trained clients of all ages for fat loss and maintaining it, muscle and strength building, fitness, and improved cardiovascular and overall health. She has a clinical diagnosis of ASD.
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