An autistic preschool boy unexpectedly felt my ponytail without me or his mother knowing this was about to happen.
What should the mother and I have done?
I take tremendous pride in my big fat ponytail.
I was seated at a clothing and accessory store, waiting for the woman I went there with.
I was at the end of a long seat facing the store entrance, and had noticed a woman and her preschool son.
I noticed him because he had on what appeared to be noise cancelling headphones. Other than that, there was nothing out of the ordinary; he walked typically and was not making any sounds.
I was curious about the headphones and complimented her on his braids as a way to possibly open up a discussion about the headphones, as I was wondering if he might be autistic.
I then asked about the headphones; she said they were for music.
She had him sit beside me, my back facing him. I thought nothing of this, as I waited for the woman I was with.
Suddenly I felt a gentle pressure on my ponytail. I immediately knew his little hand was in it.
As I turned around, his mother was calmly telling him something to the effect of don’t pull, don’t touch.
By the time I had turned around, the boy’s hand was off my ponytail and he was busy looking at his screen, as though nothing had happened.
His mother briefly and casually apologized, but I said, “That’s okay if he wants to feel it.”
I grabbed my ponytail so that some of it was sticking out between my thumb and fingers and held this section before the child, who didn’t seem interested. Hmmm, that’s odd; just a moment ago he had felt it.
“I’d be lying if I said I never asked to feel someone’s hair,” I told his mother with a big smile.
And it’s true: At autism events where I can much more get away with being too quirky for peoples’ comfort, I have asked to feel kickass ponytails. It’s my sensory seeking.
But it’s also a visual, too. There’s something about looking at a poofy voluminous ponytail that brings me immense joy. It’s almost mesmerizing.
During “Chicago Med,” I’m always watching the background: Whoever does the hair for this popular TV show must love big fat ponytails as much as I do!
“How old is he?” I asked. She said he was going to be four next week.
“Is he on the Spectrum?” I then asked. Mama said “Yes, and he’s nonverbal.”
I told her that I knew an autistic man who, by age six, still had not been talking – but that currently, he’s the most talkative person in a group.
She expressed confidence that one day her son would be talking. It was then time for her to leave the store.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Many times since my autism diagnosis in March of 2022, I’ve imagined a scenario in some public spot, such as a food court, in which a woman approaches me.
With her is a young child. She tells me her child is autistic and wants to feel my hair (which I always wear in a badass ponytail).
I happily grant him or her access. I grab my super poofy ponytail and give permission for the portion coming out between my thumb and fingers to be felt. (This technique protects against pulling, as my hand is in a tight grip.)
The child then proceeds to play with my fluffy hair.
This had always been a fun kind of envisioning. But dang, it now has come true!
That little autistic boy knows a badass ponytail when he sees one!
My kickass ponytail. How could a sensory-seeking young Autistic NOT want to give it a feel? And yes, it’s as soft as it looks!
Punishing an Autistic Child for Feeling a Stranger’s Hair
What’s alarming is that there are parents who would’ve reacted negatively if their preschooler had done what this boy had done.
And this negativity could present in a variety of ways.
One way is to harshly grab the preschooler’s arm and yank it away, accompanied by a “No! Don’t do that!”
At first this may seem appropriate. But something about it just doesn’t sit well with me.
The boy’s mother’s gentle, nonchalant approach could be just as effective, and in fact, apparently it was. He did stop the first time. Though he repeated the action, he stopped the second time, too.
The whole entire time this almost four-year-old was in the busy store, he was quiet and well-behaved – and I certainly can’t say that about many “normal” preschoolers I’ve seen inside stores!
This store was cluttered with all sorts of colorful, vibrant merchandise such as purses hanging from racks that were easily within the child’s reach.
But he was so calm and wasn’t even squirmy. Of course, I’d observed only a screenshot in time of him, and I don’t know if this was his usual temperament.
But Mama sure as heck was calm, cool and collected as well. Kids tend to internalize their parents’ demeanor – this is Child Psychology 101.
Some moms would’ve smacked their preschooler or older autistic child for feeling a stranger’s hair without permission.
If the boy’s mother had reacted this way, rest assured, she would’ve gotten an earful from me.
I have beautiful hair. Yes, I’m anything but humble. I’m not going to let any parent get away with being punitive towards their child for feeling my hair without first asking permission.
It’s not as though he pulled at it. His little hand was gently curious.
There are moms who would’ve profusedly apologized with humiliation blaring all over their face.
I would’ve corrected them on that, too. There is no shame in wanting to feel MY lush hair!
Thank goodness, though, this particular mother responded perfectly.
I’m certainly not endorsing allowing one’s autistic child to freely go up to strangers and touch them.
In fact, there are other Autistics who might find this very unsettling – someone coming up to them and touching their person or even just entering their personal space.
I totally get this. In fact, I find it very uncomfortable for people to touch me on the shoulder or arm while we’re having a conversation.
I found it VERY cringey when one of my brothers told my then-seven-year-old niece, “Go give Aunt Lorra a hug,” even though I had made absolutely no gesture that I had wanted a hug.
But it’s quite welcome for a child – autistic or not – to spontaneously feel my wonderful ponytail!
However, each situation involving a curious, sensory-seeking child must be deftly read and sized up by the parent — and then responded to in an appropriate manner.
This mama was surely on the ball. She kept her cool, was gracious and exuded tremendous support for her child with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I’m sure he’ll grow up to be the best he could be in life.
Lorra Garrick is a former personal trainer certified by the American Council on Exercise. At Bally Total Fitness, where she was also a group fitness instructor, she trained clients of all ages for fat loss and maintaining it, muscle and strength building, fitness, and improved cardiovascular and overall health. She has a clinical diagnosis of ASD.
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